The Legal Age of a Superstar

AR Rahman, 43, is not a composer.
He is a way of life. A method of expression. A celebration in human form.
His travails are famous. His experiments worshipped.
He has whatever it takes to make Vince Vaughn jig to Kuru Kuru Kangalilae in chaste Tamil.
And that, in a true blooded Hollywood rom-com.
He is a superstar.

Sachin Tendulkar, 35, is not a cricketer. Not to many billions.
He is an entity whose faculties are believed to transcend the recorded realms of human capacity.
He is a power brand whose boyish smile alone can unite a nation. Even India.
He is the average agnostic’s answer to Jesus Christ.
He is a superstar.

Cristiano Ronaldo, 24, is Portugal’s best export since cashew nut.
It is said that with the nickel he jumped places of work, entire Canada could buy big Macs.
And they didn’t mean the burger.
He is a superstar.

Emma Watson, 19, has BoyDestiny write and sing a song in her adoration.
While just two months into teens, she was tenth in The Hottest Female Stars list of that year.
She owns one of the world’s most famous panties.
She is a superstar.

Katelyn Tran, 14, the youngest finalist in the Greenfield Philadelphia Orchestra Competition, is hailed to be a revelation with the piano.
She is a superstar.

Mauricio Cesar Baldivieso, 12, is South America’s youngest first division soccer player. His introduction sparked the coach’s resignation.
Nevertheless, he is a superstar.




Megan Fox, 22. Keeps websites busy.
Sreelakshmi Suresh, 11. Makes those websites. Twice daily.

Colbie Caillat, 24. Ana Ivanovic, 21. Juan Martín del Potro, 20. Hayden Panettiere, 19. Gael Kakuta, 18. Dakota Fanning, 16.

All superstars

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Our protagonist, 23. MBA student.
Confused. Jealous. Cynical. Miserable. Et al.
Currently wondering what went permanently wrong.
Does nothing worth mention for a living. Or existing.
He is a superstar. NOT.




From a very early age, he was fascinated by superstars and their never-never land.

Like Simon Pegg called it, the ‘other’ side of the door. It seemed like a TFT screen with a billion colors, running an incessant stream of fairytale ingredients. Glitter. Laughter. Flashlights. Tuxes. Gowns. Swarovski. Black limos. Bubbly. Gossip. Wild fans. Gracious waves. Autographs.

What a world.


He wanted it. Have that door opened up for him by black-suited white-gloved men. To bask in whatever was at the other side. He was sure he’d love it.

At 10, there was time. He had no idea what to do. Still encouragingly, all superstars he knew were older.

Destiny knows its way.




He thought he was biding his time in school and college. Just minor gas stops before a Vegas worthy bang.

Days passed. Biding continued. Though by now, the actresses he drooled over didn’t look a lot older than his college mates.

Something wrong Houston?

Hell no, just adjusting the coordinates. We’re on course. Don’t fret yet.




He grew older. And the newsmakers grew younger.
Microcontrollers. Girlfriend1. Dumping1. No sign of door.
DotNet. Work. Salary. Girlfriend2. Dumping2. Nothing happened.

By now, many of his idols were half a decade younger.
Earning trillion times than he will ever. Enjoying high life.
Post grad. Economics. No stardom to be seen in miles.

Something seriously amiss.




He sat down and thought.
Fate is not my new girlfriend’s old boyfriend, to owe me a favor.
So I’ll go on my own. Find that fuckin’ door.


Introspection.


Make a list of superstars. Find their claims to the door. And weigh your options.

First striking fact: Most are girls. Not a viable option now. Too late. Cross.(X)

Second, most are in showbiz. Easiest way in.
But good looks? (X)
Histrionics? (X)
Any godfather, like for Uday Chopra, Tusshar Kapoor? (X)
Sorry then. Better luck next…. life.

Damn. Even Kim Kardashian’s sex tape is called Kim-K-Superstar.
Hey, but how about that?
No way. Not even your cupboard keyhole would come to bed with you. Particularly in record mode.




Problem: Plain Unattractive.

Cure: Protein powder. Teeth braces.

Result: Very soon old pal Jobin cries, “Man, you look more awful than ever. If that’s possible”.


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Okay now, but doesn’t Franck Ribery look worse? He hopes.
So the answer to stardom is football? Hurray.
Get on the turf and kick some balls. Now!
Dribbles, step overs, back heels, all work well. Until play begins.
But how does Messi do it so easy?

“He creates the space, you darn idiot”, says Suresh.
Creates space? What is he, Isaac Newton?




Seriously dude, now’s not the time to enter sports or showbiz.
You’re too old.
Heck I know. So what do I do? I just wanna become a damn star.
So find some place where you’re still young. We mean like old boy games.
Politics, Journalism, Sensory Robotics, Capital scams, Serial rapes…




Or wait, how about Direction? Movie making? They take oldies, you know.
Hell yeah, that’s true! He pondered.

Florent Malouda, 29 is labeled an ‘ageing’ left winger, while Christopher Nolan, 37 and Farhan Akhtar, 35 are ‘young’ directors with ‘fresh' blood.
Zinedine Zidane, who’s only as old as Nolan, is considered extinct.
Ayan Mukherji, 24 and Géla Babluani are just anomalies.

Perfect.




Only that you don’t look like one.

Pray why?

Well, in a nutshell, you are like a character that would most likely be played by Jason Biggs in a B-Grader. Unnecessarily sweet, nauseatingly diplomatic, delivers lines that make you throw up on popcorn, everyone thinks you are gay, and the other hero ends up with the girl you fancy.

Wow, that was a nutshell?


Directors have personality. Not sugar balls.



So, what do I do?

Show the maturity of a sperm, says his mom.
You are such a kid, and that’s why she left you, says a good friend (who prefers not to be named).


I’m on it folks.



Problem: Lack of Maturity

Cure: Look around. Learn from people who are mature.
Like Anurag Pillai. Or Manmohan Singh.
So no more smiling. Brooding will be looked upon as thinking.
Two weeks on strict regime.


Result: classmate Kris comes over. Takes a deep look at him. Says the following.

“Hey, we’re doing a movie spoof. Ghajini’s hero is the lead role. And you are,

Short- Check
Not fat- Check
Looks dumb and doesn’t talk in buckets- Check
Adept in Brooding, frowning- Check”




Slam dunk bro. You’re our hero.
Thanks, But they say I’m too old to start acting.
Whoever asked you to act? Just be yourself. We’ll do the rest.


And so, for one day, our protagonist becomes a 23 yr old star.
No limo. No interviews. No Armani. But a star nevertheless.
He gets the taste. It’s good.




And so, he is proposing a new bill.

The Legal age of a superstar.

“No person under the age of 20 should be permitted to perform any activities of special mention, involving considerable talent, and in the unforeseen event that such an act is performed, all efforts should be made to keep it discreet until legal age is reached”




He will meanwhile wait to hit 40 (and look like 30) to direct his first movie.
Until then, Sigh!